How To Feed Your Baby

I was an awesome mom before I had kids. I was going to breastfeed for at least a year. My kids were never going to see the tv on until they were at least 2. I was not going to count to three to get my toddler to obey. It's been two and a half years since I became a mom and ohhhhh how the mighty have fallen.

My experience with breast feeding has been, to put it nicely, less than desirable. To put it not so nicely, it's been hell.

Breast it best...until it's not.

My son Sam was born in March of 2012. I was ready. I had attended all of the classes, read all the books, bought all the stuff, prayed all the prayers, judged all the other moms. I had it figured out. I started nursing him right after he was born and it seemed to be going ok for a few days. I stayed in the hospital for five days because I had pre-eclampsia and they wanted to keep an eye on me.

We took him home on a Friday afternoon and the weekend that followed was hell. I fed him and fed him and fed him and he kept screaming and screaming and screaming. It didn't occur to me that he was hungry and I was NOT going to supplement because supplementing is of the devil. Obviously.

We took him to the pediatrician the next Monday as a follow up appointment.

I hold back tears as I type this.

 He had lost more than a pound since he was born a week earlier and he was only 7 lbs when he was born. He was starving. We left the doctor feeling confused, ashamed and scared shitless. I gave him a bottle in the car and he sucked it down ravenously.

At my pediatrician's suggestion I bought a pump to see how much I could pump so I'd have a general idea of how much I was producing. I couldn't even get an ounce after pumping for 30 minutes.

I spent the next three weeks pumping, crying, praying over and over and over again. When he was four weeks old and I was struggling with what I know now was intense postpartum depression and anxiety, I stopped pumping and nursing. The day I made the decision I spent most of the day trying to nurse Sam while he screamed and I sobbed. It was miserable.

I was able to (sort of) make peace with formula feeding by the time he was probably a year and a half old. That didn't mean I didn't encounter some judgmental people along the way, but I eventually let go of my guilt.

Fast forward almost two years and Noah was born! I decided I would give nursing another try. I was optimistic and hopeful that I'd make enough milk this time after hearing stories similar to mine with other moms who had pre-eclampsia. I didn't have it with my second pregnancy.

Again, I nursed Noah within the first 30 minutes after he was born. He was a good nurser, had a good latch and seemed to be a natural at it. We took him home a day later and I nursed and nursed and nursed and he never seemed to be full. He was at a stable weight, but not gaining. I texted everyone I knew who knew anything about breast feeding. I had somehow become neurotic again about making this work. One day I nursed him for 2 hours pretty much without stopping and he was still hungry. At that point I decided we had to start supplementing.

I went to a lactation specialist's support group once or twice a week for the next month. I was doing what they call "triple feeding." I would pump (for 20 minutes), nurse him and then give him a bottle of pumped milk or formula. Did I mention that at the time I had a 19 month old and was also working part time from home with no maternity leave? So...yeah.

After a month of intense stress, little sleep, some bad advice and multiple breakdowns, I woke up one morning unable to get out of bed. Postpartum depression had hit me like a ton of bricks. I immediately went to see my OB because unlike last time,  I was not going to endure months of feeling crazy without getting help. She told me to stop pumping and nursing and to start sleeping and taking care of myself. I fought it for a few days, but eventually decided to bottle feed as I tried to regain my mental health.

When I was seeing the lactation consultant she had mentioned the term tracheomalacia. She asked if Noah had been diagnosed with it and said that most babies who have it have a really hard time nursing. Because his trachea was loose, he had a really hard time getting the suck, swallow, breathe rhythm of nursing right, so he would only eat about an ounce after nursing for 20 minutes. After I had all of this info, I realized that bottle feeding really was the best for him. And with my 19 month old and my part time work, I just didn't have time to pump every three hours and then bottle feed and then do everything else I needed to do for my older son.

So, again, with some guilt, I gave up breast feeding.

The reason I'm typing all of this out is to give perspective to the breast feeding journey.

Contrary to what I used to believe, breast feeding is not best for every single baby or every single mommy. For various reasons, sometimes it Just. Doesn't. Work. And THAT'S OK.

I write this to say to all the mommies who have felt guilty, inadequate, ashamed, afraid, IT'S OK. A nourished baby is a healthy baby. A baby whose mommy is present to him or her is a healthy baby. Breast feeding does not a mother make.

Sam (formula fed from 4 weeks until one year) is at a healthy weight and 97th percentile in height. He knows more words than I can count at 2. He can count to 10, knows all of the colors and is emotionally healthy, well adjusted and attached to his mama. Noah (formula fed from 2 months until now) is a thriving 99th percentile in height and 85th percentile in weight. He's the smiliest baby I've ever seen and very attached as well.

      Sam @ 2 years old                                       Noah @ 7 months old

Yes the research shows that breast milk is physically healthier for your baby. I will never dispute that. In an ideal world I would have been able to produce enough milk with Sam and Noah wouldn't have tracheomalacia. I also wouldn't struggle with postpartum depression and chocolate would be zero calories. BUT we don't live in the world of should. We live is the world of is.

So in the words of my newest favorite movie, let's all sing it together. LET IT GO! LET IT GO! Grieve it if you need to and then let it go, sister. If you're feeding your baby with love, you're a good mommy.